He sits happily at the kitchen table starring so intently on the steady movements of Big Bird and Elmo as they prance across the horizon of the lone television set snuggly placed in the cabinet stand. She looks down at him as she slowly places the ceramic bowl of freshly prepared, glistening bap (rice) next to the steaming miyuk gook (soup). He barely glances up at those apprehensive eyes as he methodically takes his spoon and devours the two bowls that were, just moments ago, placed in front of him. For the first time his trance is broken as he gleefully looks up towards her tired face with squinty eyes and a smile revealing the newly formed gap from the tooth he had just lost last week. She stares at him for a moment and then smiles slightly as she gently brushes his soft hair away from his forehead. Again, she pauses to stare at him. He has no idea of the journey ahead, she thinks to herself as she quickly rushes him up the stairs to prepare for the longest day of both of their lives.
After some stubborn efforts at personal hygiene, she emerges with him in a bright yellow t-shirt and lightly tattered overalls. They aren’t quite the right size, but they were not too big to the point of noticing. He didn’t care. He seems eager as they both stand forth at the familiar teal blue Plymouth Voyager that has accompanied them for so many other ventures. Quickly, he jumps in the back seat as he fastens his seatbelt eagerly awaiting the announcement of their destination. However, she avoids the questions. She is scared. She is sad. She doesn’t want to do this.
They arrive and she takes his hand as they slowly walk towards the beige and red building. The black gates are a stark reminder of the confinement and separation that was to come. Together they walk into the room full of savages who are singing, laughing, and dancing all throughout the tiny, confined room. Even though they entered together, she leaves alone. She tells him not to worry as he pleads with her to stay while tightly gripping her legs. He can’t even imagine himself without her, and he is afraid of being isolated in such a foreign place. She slowly moves towards the door knowing that she will be late, but she is almost paralyzed as the muffled sounds of sobs begins. He doesn’t understand why she has to leave him. She doesn’t want to but unhooks his hands from her legs as she steps away from his shaking body. Tears almost begin to form in her eyes as she makes him promise that he will behave and reassures him that she will return soon. His eyes are still full of tears as he grudgingly nods with an apprehensive frown. He slowly turns away from her as she disappears through the door. She is gone and there are only strangers in front of him.
As the door slowly slams behind her, she begins to wonder if this really was the right decision. She wants to run back in and take him with her, but she stops. She knows what she must do. As she turns back around and starts heading for the car she thinks about how hard it must be for mothers who give up their children for adoption. How do they do it? How do they carry on knowing their little baby is away? She feels that she has betrayed him and her heart aches knowing how much hardship he must face in today. But she must leave and slowly the van departs.
A lost percussion of inaudible sounds comes forth from the indistinguishable entities that tower over him. He sees their lips form shapes but their movements are futile. The masses just become a disentanglement of disapproving eyes. Suddenly, the silence erupts into a deafening roar, and the sudden feedback makes him shutter and cower away. His eyes hopelessly scan the figures looking for some kind of welcoming invitation or some sort of an escape only to find none. He is lost. He is freighted. Slowly the crowd begins to fade as his eyes begin to shut. His tiny hands provide a remedy as they tightly clasp his ears until the percussion turns into a drone that slowly fades as it is masked by his own ugly sobs. Squinty eyes releases him from his nightmare as streams turn to rivers from the sides of his eyes, and the image of the welcoming face that he was looking for in the crowd emerges before him. He collapses into an empty corner and steps away from the multitude of children that confusedly look on at him. They don’t understand him. They hate him. She knows him best. She loves him.
He wants to leave this prison that chains him down to disillusioned heartache and agonizing solace. As he buries his head into his folded arms, he begins to wonder why and how his mother could leave him in such a place. Tears seem to be his only companions as they warm his cheeks, while he waits until she finally returns to him. Although she claimed that she would return quickly, the hours dwindled on as his assailants slowly walk out of the door he desperately wanted to walk out of. One by one, each child left. Was he forgotten? Did she not love him anymore?
At around six, she finally returns. His lack luster energy and pent up sadness and anger explode as his arms stretch forth to desperately grasp the familiar figure he has been longing for. He clutches her and his tears erupt into riverbeds again. He screams at her. He blames her for all of the pain he had to endure as he naively ignores her own heartache and hardships. His bloodshot eyes and tear stained face look on at her as he begs and makes her promise to never leave him again.
She promises. She lies. She knows this will only be the first of many trials he must face. She is sad and prays. She prays that God give him strength to endure all the hardships that he must face alone and hopes that he may understand why she had to let him go that day. She wanted to hold onto his tiny hand, but she knew she had to let go—for his sake and even for her own.
